I’ll start with an honest confession: ‘I picked up How to win Friends and Influence People’ because I’ve managed to lose more friends than I could make. It’s said, you grow up when you start losing people from your life, but it’s better said than done, right? You lose people and you’re driven to a phase that’s all about contemplating what went wrong.
I picked up this because I just wanted to change certain things in my life, and figure out things and let me tell you, no, it hasn’t yet helped me score tonnes of friends (not yet ) but it surely has told me things about human behavior. And I’d like to share a few things that this gem of a book taught me.
HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE, by Dale Carnegie, was first published in 1936. It’s come a long way since then and has helped many, many people understand the basics of dealing with people. The best part – the ways are not that difficult. With hundreds of instances from history to instances from common people’s lives, the book is power-packed with so much reality. It’s a long read, but with every page, you turn, you’ll have instances from your life flashing vividly about how differently you could have done things.
Before you start, these steps are not for winning friends. These steps that I found amazingly useful are all about growing, growing as a person, growing as a human. Eventually, let’s believe that we’ll surely win and influence people, in just the right way
1. BE UNDERSTANDING
We usually complain and condemn people’s behavior when it’s not as per our liking. As a result, we often fail to understand why a certain person acts a certain way. Instead of criticizing, take a step to understand him/her and figure out why they do what they do. Remember, there is always the other side of the story which we often fail to read.
2. BE APPRECIATIVE
In the book, Dale Carnegie proposed “Be hearty in approbation and lavish in your praise”. Every person we meet has a quality that makes him special. Every person is graced with superior quality and it’s a common human tendency to overlook that thing of beauty. Therefore, Start noticing and start appreciating.
3. BE A GOOD LISTENER
Talking of basic human nature, every person is waiting to be heard. Every person wants someone to listen to all the wonderful things they’ve done and probably be more interested in themselves. Listen. Be genuinely interested in them. Once you listen to them and relate to their stories, that’s how you win them.
4. SMILE
Isn’t it called a precious attribute? You walk around and give a genuine, heart-warming smile through your eyes to any passer-by. It’s a guaranteed way to spread warmth and friendliness. Why do we instantly light up when we see a toddler smiling and laughing with no care in the world. Smile is infectious, in a good way.
5. REMEMBER NAMES
Have you watched some historical movies, where the higher authorities learned the names before a meet-and-greet? Have you watched the Devil Wears Prada? Andrea “Andy” Sachs struggled to remember names before the meetings. Did you ever wonder why? Because calling a person loud and clear by their names leaves a feeling of importance.
6. KNOW THEIR INTERESTS
You go to a child and start talking to them about politics and rocket science. How many minutes do you think the child will manage to listen and stay near you? Similarly, Every grown-up has this child within them. Remember- It’s crucial to talk about what interests a person.
7. AVOID ARGUMENTS
I’ve come across so many instances in my life, where after an argument all I could think of was if there was a way to avoid it and only if I avoided it. Arguments cost you peace of your mind. It takes away your ability to think clearly. Quoting from the book: “ When two people yell and argue, there is no communication, just noise, and bad vibes”. I’m sure this hits right on the touchpoint.
8. NEVER SAY ‘YOU’RE WRONG’
In a discussion, there are always two opinions. We’ve learned debating from school. While, it brought us prizes, debating and telling someone that their opinion is wrong in real life only bears sour fruits. Therefore, it’s imperative to show respect for others’ opinions. There is always a way to get things done by not making other people feel bad or disrespected. Every perception is right, in a way.
9. ADMIT YOUR MISTAKES
It’s simple- If you are wrong, admit it, wholeheartedly. A simple word as sorry can rebuild relations. Don’t take ages to admit your mistakes, apologize the moment you realize you may have hurt the person. Today, people surely prefer disconnecting with friends rather than admitting their mistakes. A major reason why we’re losing out on our well-wishers.
10. TAKE A FRIENDLY APPROACH
Think of two scenarios. First- you’re just full of weird attitudes and talking to people in a meeting. Second- you’re happily smiling and being friendly. Which approach do you think is going to attract people? Well, of course, the friendly one. No one likes to entertain the air of attitude but everyone would like to cross oceans for the sweet ones.
11. BE ACCEPTING
Be accepting of opinions, ideas, feelings, and desires. Never be too full of yourself that you end up overlooking how the other person feels. You might win and get your way somehow, but you might lose respect and what was genuine. You can share your ideas and needs, but never enforce them on anyone. It’s like the Japanese concept of Wabi-Sabi, where they teach you to be accepting and appreciative of everything.
12. START WITH APPRECIATION
If there is an error, if you have to tell about someone’s faults- just don’t simply go and tell them you’re wrong and you’ve done a grave mistake. Find that silver lining, maybe something about that person must be good, talk about it and talk your way through to the part where the error is made. There is always a way of talking. There is also a thin line between buttering and pretense and honest appreciation.
13. AVOID GIVING ORDERS
Leaders don’t give orders. They ask questions, find effective solutions and work towards a common objective. No one likes being given orders but a simple ‘please’ can turn your statement into a request and that’s how most of us like it. Encourage when it’s necessary. Encourage on even the slightest achievement.
Now that you think of it, it’s not difficult to do any of these. Maybe, being present in the moment, not giving away to emotional outbursts and anger, being conscious of everything we do, and lastly being sympathetic and empathetic is the gist of this wonderful book. Kindness can surely make all of us a long way. And what this world needs today is constant hope and Kindness.
Do drop in your comments on what is your style of dealing with people or a book that taught you that perfect way to do so. Would love to connect.
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